She's In Denial.

31 March 2006

I am a little rash in my previous entry, but I am not going to delete it or apologise to you because of it. There is no way I can say sorry to you, never. You are telling others how hurtful you feel, how much you regret and how bad I am. You told them 'your' story instead of 'the' story. Every single information you have revealed is utterly unfair to me. You make it sounds as though I feel nothing about the whole thing, not stressed and affected.

How pathetic. I mean you, dj.

Now you're happy ya? You got all the attention you want that can sastify your ego, and feel dignified through degrading me. But let me tell you, your sastisfaction is being achieved by methods that others despise and loathe, even to the extent of seeing you as childish. Childish. Childish.

I hate being treated unfairly. Eversince I was borned, the unfairness I've received from family members and relatives is so prominent! I really hate it. That's why I will never ever resign to fate or just accept things that are truely unacceptable. I am not someone who let fate decide what is going to happen. 'Fate' is a word invented by losers.

I see you as a stranger.

Stop harassing my friends.

Left`alone
3/31/2006 01:41:00 PM™

OK. So now you know about me and him. And you and everyone around u got all the reasons in the whole wide world to detest me. COOL?

Im just too DUMB AND FOOLISH TO TAKE UR SARCASM seriously. Damn it. Even to the extent of feeling guilty and sorry. But i think there's no reason for me to feel it right now.

You're right in saying all those things that u've done are stupid. Ok? utterly stupid.

OK done. Foolish and dumb and stupid.

hate it.

You just make urself the only victim of all and forget what I have been going through.

I am over it, right now, this moment.

good.

And I dont need people around you to like me. I know. The world is hating me like hell. But so what? This is just me. We're no longer friends.

Left`alone
3/31/2006 03:36:00 AM™

29 March 2006

I am so EXCITED!

heh HEH.

Oh well, I gonna be a tourist and tour around Singapore, taking lots and lots of photos and rediscover this small little island.

Shall upload all my photos. hahahahahahahha

Left`alone
3/29/2006 12:16:00 AM™

27 March 2006

You know i really do.

Left`alone
3/27/2006 09:58:00 PM™

26 March 2006

Went out to meet Mich just now to get my stuff back and she left within 10 minutes?
hah!
Then I stayed and read up on Music theory once more. And it does kill.
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Left`alone
3/26/2006 09:04:00 PM™

Haha. At last, I am the same old me once more.

Really sorry for those people who I've hurt on the way.

But be happy for me, for I am who I used to be already.

There's so many things that I can't mention on my blog. How I wish I can really share all my stuff with those who are reading. I AM TEMPTED TO SAY. But no matter what, I will not. The last thing that i want is trouble and daunting issues. So don't bother to ask me. If you are observant enough you will know. And, don't blame me for not saying. I have my reasons.

JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME.

LETS CELEBRATE.

Left`alone
3/26/2006 11:59:00 AM™

24 March 2006

Time for me to start planning for the future. So here goes.

I have planned to go overseas during the holidays, but no idea where to. Haha. If i feel rich, maybe I can go to Taiwan, Korea or Japan for my shopping sprees. If I AM poor, ahhhh. Maybe to nearby countries like M'sia or Thailand. Omg. Hey, I am not going to go anywhere with my parents. Most likely with a friend or a bunch of buddies. Wahaha.

Another big plan of mine is to move out of my house asap. You see. Sp is at Dover and I AM staying at freaking Tampines! It is like a journey to the west everyday when school starts. Think about the mountain of wealth I gonna spend on transportation itself! Moving to a place near Dover is a better choice. LOL.

Yuppp. I have my future all planned out.

And maybe, I will go overseas after I have gotten my diploma for my further studies. Better still, I work overseas.

NO, I am not crazy. =P

Left`alone
3/24/2006 07:15:00 PM™

I am blogging in my ROOM! Damn you. I mentioned 'ROOM'.

Haha.

U know why?? Because.. I.. have.. just.. gotten.. my.. notebook.. NOTEBOOOK!!

So from now on, I can just access my internet from my comfy bed and my beloved room. Ok. Maybe from my comfy and squeaky bed. Time for me to go Ikea and get new stuff for my room. Yupppppp. What a holiday.

School gonna start soon enough for me to get crazy.

Anyway, right now I just wanna be alone. You know what i mean. So please, please, PLS, don't bother to call or msg me now. I want my own time and space. Maybe a big thankyou first?

Thanks.

And, goodbye YA?

Left`alone
3/24/2006 01:24:00 AM™

22 March 2006

I am falling in love.

With SINGAPORE POLYTECHNIC.

and

DMAT!!

Left`alone
3/22/2006 11:34:00 PM™

我不会再哭泣。

但我知道，说抱歉也无济于事。

Left`alone
3/22/2006 10:41:00 AM™

20 March 2006

I have been sorting my things, my room, my mind and my life out today.

A big great success.

Did some reading on Music theory and ppooooffff, I seriously need to work damn-freaking-pissing-hard when poly starts.

So I've decided.

To concentrate on my studies from now on.

Trust me. I will. Definitely will.

Left`alone
3/20/2006 07:48:00 PM™

19 March 2006

haha. HAHA. haha. HAHA.

Went Bugis with sq and Masami in the afternoon and I collected my requisited items. So damn heavy. Now Im flooded with nail polishes, skin care products and cosmetics. Heee.

Walked to Sim Lim to get Masami's memory stick/card or whatever-something-similar-to-that. She's really someone who couldn't make up her mind. =.=''

I realised something. LALA. I am kind of mean to guys who I assume, are impossible to be my friends. Cuz there's this guy there who kind of asked for my number but I rejected him, and he is mean enough to say things like asking whether Im a whore and bla bla in a joking manner. Fuck man. I don't like it. So this time, I totally ignored him when he speaks. If not for Masami, I wouldn't want to step into that shop ever again la.

Trained to Orchard after that and went shopping. HEE HEE. Retail therapy is good for me NOW. Spent a total of 11bucks on accessories only. ONLY k. And that's the thing I bought la. Nothing much. Wanted to buy some tops and bottoms and bla bla. But no money. This is sad sad + sad.

Anyway, I've decided to buy a pair of white canvas and design myself. =D One and only. lol. My 2nd pair of personally-designed shoes. Go search my archives to have a look at my 1st. Not bad k. Im still quite proud of it. Just that the size of the shoes is a little big for me and I look as if my feet are damn long in it.

Im determined to follow my beauty regime. PLS! Haha. And I am looking for a part-time job in beauty line. Not bad eh. But I will never consider The Face Shop. =x So strike that out.

Left`alone
3/19/2006 10:46:00 PM™

18 March 2006

So many things happened, and i seemed to be drifting away from my usual blog topic. I shall stop blogging about how confusing my life is and how complicated we are. I rather blog on something happy rather than annoying stuff and people. AHEM. PEOPLE. =x

Anyway, went out for breakfast with dj. Not so much of breakfast though. Then went his house and Wow, a big change. His room. OMG. Time for me to start packing my things and make my room presentable.

He went off to work at around noon and I went to return the books to the library. Heh. Went to walk around after that. Btw, Metro has quite a good service. I was greeted by one of their staff when I stepped into the store. And she come up to me just to say 'welcome'. Haha. Cool eh.

I have no idea why. Maybe because of my job, I am extra polite to sales associates now. At least I know how annoying some customers tend to be, as well as how tiring it is to work as SA.

Hey, be polite. =D

And everyone will love you.

Left`alone
3/18/2006 02:44:00 PM™

17 March 2006

The rose, wilted.

Left`alone
3/17/2006 03:31:00 PM™

麻木了。
为何每件事都那么复杂，那么难以了解？这世界这么大。我在这世界上只是个默默无名的生物，过着简简单单的生活。我不渴望得到什么，也不要求拥有什么。但事情往往都向逆道发展。你要它简单化，它就偏偏朝着复杂的领域迈进。
我讨厌这一切。
我恨死了这一切。
这一生中，我都非常的明白自己想要的是什么，也不断的朝着目标努力。就这样，我硬着头皮的闯。傻傻的闯。就凭着一股想要成功的热诚，弄得混身是伤也没喊疼。走着一步，看着另一步，深怕着自己会跌进无底洞，和灿烂的阳光从此告别。我不想这样。我不要。但再怎样的不想，再多的不愿意，这一切也不由得我做主。我只能小心的继续走着。继续跟随着那颤抖害怕的感觉。
无奈。
爱情对我来说也不是所有。大方的迎接它的到来，也潇洒的接受它的离开。
但不知为何现在的我好不像我。做决定时，我犹豫了。
在一段感情中，不只是需要爱情。对彼此的关心与了解更加重要。
我渴望得到了解。我渴望得到真正的了解。谁能明白？
我对一切已感到绝望。这世界好黑暗啊。
美丽的爱情只发生在童话故事里，而且所有的美丽都是虚伪的。
自私。
在人人的眼中，只有自己最重要。只有自己的烦恼才是真正的烦恼。那别人的呢？
难道我没有烦恼吗？还是我的烦恼不够跟你比，所以我的就不算？
你对这世界来说，地位跟我没两样。为何我却总是在你之下？
无助。
真正的我，已随着一切消失。
现在的我，带着面具，在人生舞台上表演着哑剧。我只是个娱乐众人的木偶。只有用心感觉的观众才能了解我所要表达的是什么。也只有他们才能真正明白事情的真相。
旁观者清，当局者迷。
抱歉。
我这个哑剧演员不够专业。让大家失望了。指责我，因为我没按剧本演这一出戏。我没演出大家所要我表演的。我没做大家所要我做的。
对不起。
现在，我只想把自己封闭起来。因为我再也感觉不到喜怒哀乐了。就当着我的心已死了吧。我不会再哭泣，也不可能再懂得如何真心的笑。我已失去了一切，失去了哑剧演员的基本要求。我不干了。
沉默。
我只能保持沉默。
你明白吗？

Left`alone
3/17/2006 03:20:00 PM™

16 March 2006

Im thinking of whether to dye my hair black or just spray it black on the day of enrolment. My hair has to be black just to take the photo for my student card.

So I have a choice.

To spray or to dye.

If i spray, my hair will look terrible and my student card will look horrible. And for your info, both my ic and my secondary school ez-link cards look terrible plus horrible. I don't want my poly student card to add on to the collection!

But if i dye, I will lose my current hair color. It's my favourite la!

HOW HOW HOW!?!?!?!?!

Left`alone
3/16/2006 11:57:00 AM™

I messaged what I wanna say to you already. I could have said everything down here but I choose not to. I know, you don't like anything related to you to appear here. And I want you to take it to heart.

I am pissed when I got to know what's going on. Very very pissed. But I realised that that is who you actually are. No matter what I say, you will never change. That is you. So, i choose to just keep quiet now.

Once again, I wish you luck.

Left`alone
3/16/2006 02:54:00 AM™

15 March 2006

I cried the hardest last night. You know the reason for it.

But anyway, he's a very nice guy. And you know it too.

I wish you good luck in whatever you do. And I give you my support as well. Do whatever you think is right. Even if i disagree or dislike it, just do it. I believe that you are sensible enough to make the right decision for yourself.

Don't forget what you have said. I will remember it in my heart forever. I do mean forever.

I want you to be happy.

Really.

Left`alone
3/15/2006 09:35:00 AM™

14 March 2006

Im feeling weary - both mentally and physically.

These few months are too taxing. I am suffering from headaches and illnesses, and my body is hurting all over. Especially my shoulders. They are as stiff as i-don't-know-what.

I sound as if I am at the doctor. =x

Anyway, I just want to be single right now. I don't wanna get involved with anyone. What I need is just some time to sort myself out. It is all in a mess, and it was never being sorted out all along.

If you understand, you will know.

Let's all be friends now.

Is it possible?

Left`alone
3/14/2006 09:47:00 PM™

I have placed a big FULLSTOP to all that happened in the past. No more getting back together and causing a big hoo-ha and no more troubling thoughts. I am glad to have who I have beside me, friends and all. I am also back to my own confident self. What I seriously need now is someone who can guide me in music theory. It's making me crazy!

Haaaaa. Ah. =x

Aiya, I just enjoy going to the library@esplanade. I love the esplanade. I love it love it love it.

HEH HEH.

Left`alone
3/14/2006 01:02:00 PM™

13 March 2006

I know what you all wanna do in the future.

I know how you all really feel currently.

I know all.

But who really knows what I wanna do in the future? Who really know how i feel currently?

Who bother to ask?

My future is so dark.

And usually I just follow how I feel when making decisions.

My mood affects me the most, not my brain.

So maybe people out there can just stop asking me to use my brain.

Left`alone
3/13/2006 01:25:00 AM™

12 March 2006

Why only when you have lost it then you know how to cherish and show that you do care? If it is being shown earlier, nothing would have happened.

You know, there is no turning back.

I am so lost, and currently unfound. But I rather remain like this. So many things happened in these few weeks. Too much for me to register. It is like a dream to me and I have just woken up from it. You asked me to use my brain. He said that to me in the past. Both of you asked me to use my brain to make the right decision. So, can anyone tell me, what's the right decision for me now?

People around me see me as a fool. Getting in and out of relationships in such a short period of time. I can sense this, although they never show.

Im such a foolish fool.

And I am stubborn. Stubborn enough to continue using everything else except my brain.

How stupid.

I can't believe. .

Left`alone
3/12/2006 07:09:00 PM™

11 March 2006

I am back to being myself.

You are so right in saying how much we don't suit each other. You're borned with a silver spoon while mine is copper-plated. You doesn't like my sense of dessing, and I find yours boring. You listen to Western songs and I listen to MandarinPop. You're English-educated and Im Chinese-educated. You speaks English most of the time while I speaks Mandarin.

I know these all along, and I realised that I've changed a lot because of you. Out of 10 sentences I spoke, 8 of them are in English now compared to 5 in the past. I started to love some Western songs, due to their tunes and lyrics. It is not that I hate to listen to them, but because I find MandarinPop relates to me well. I understand every single meaning the song is trying to convey. That's why.

It is somehow amazing how both of us can stay together for a year plus in the past. There must be some sort of chemistry for it. This is also why I chose to go back to you, hoping that you have changed for the better. I did tell you before that the night when Im sick but you are nowhere to be found is a great turn-off. But I told myself to give you another chance to prove that you're better. I told myself that if you ever made me feel so worthless again, I shall not hesitate to leave. That's my decision. That is what I told dj as well. That is also the reason why I decided to call it off. You are who you are, and it is impossible for you to change. Impossible to change? It's okay. But at least try. Im not trying to say that you're in the wrong, but just how I think.

If you remember, these few days, I told you many many things. I said before that I know you care and I know you love me. But knowing is different from feeling. I know, but I couldn't feel them. It is like knowing that you will be full soon when you are starving but the food is nowhere to be seen.

I told you all that is on my mind. All without hiding.

And I know that your friends don't like me at all. Even to the extent of thinking that Im taking revenge by getting back with you when Im actually with dj all these while. I am not angry regarding this statement. But what makes me give it all up is what that follows behind. You told me you think so too. Be it a slip of your mouth or some harmless-careless-don't-mean-it comment. If it is never on your mind, there wouldn't be such thing coming out.

Think about it.

I gave up an relationship just to be with you. And this is what I get in return. If me and him are trying to fool you, for what he asks me to go back to him? And if I feel nothing for you, for what I say no? You are under a lot of stress. Me too.

I am never so sure in knowing what I want. Just that I find myself a fool. Everyone around me is asking me to leave, but i choose to hold on thinking that there's still a chance. But now i know there isn't.

We are better off like this. You can go and find a girl that suits you most. Great?

I hope that you have learned something, and also realise that you are not the only one with problems. There are many people around you. Who knows? Maybe that uncle who sits beside you when you are on the bus has cancer and is about to die because he has no money for treatment? Isn't this a greater problem?

I wish you luck.

And we're friends still?

Study hard in poly. You will do it.

As for me now, I am concentrating on my music. I want to make it big and successful.

Thank you so much for giving me all the memories....

=) friends k.

Left`alone
3/11/2006 08:43:00 AM™

09 March 2006

I cried, without me realising that Im crying until I feel my tears.

The past few weeks were really stressful.

But I believe, everything's fine now?

Im looking to poly life, hoping that nothing will go wrong.

Cheer me on!

This is my last week at theFACEshop.

Left`alone
3/09/2006 11:20:00 AM™

04 March 2006

Im sick again; down with flu, sorethroat and headache.

It is a terrible feeling.

And stupid hell im allergic to the pain killer.

wtf. Tell me why.

Have been listening to Ai Yu Cheng recently and seem to love it a lot. It just remind me of that night. The serenity, the peacefulness and all.

How i wish someone out there can understand how i feel and guide me through all this.

Left`alone
3/04/2006 07:16:00 PM™

SO YEA??!!

Im in my dream course.

Music & Audio Technology - Singapore Poly

And my friends will be in SP as well. hahahaha.

How happy!

Left`alone
3/04/2006 12:15:00 AM™

02 March 2006

My sorethroat is getting from bad to worse.

To the extent that Im losing my voice.

SOBS!

I can't lose my voice! I still have to work, talk and chat. AHHHH. This is terrible.

My headache ain't getting better too.

Im still sick la.

>.<

Left`alone
3/02/2006 07:05:00 PM™

I am enlightened overnight.

One thing for sure, is that I have chosen what I really want. So even if it doesn't turn out well, I won't regret. Treat it as the last chance we have. If things still remain unchanged, then it is proved that we are not meant to be together.

Friends, be happy for me.

I may not be sastified or happy with it, but this is what my heart says.

Support my decision and maybe be there for me when i need a listening ear?

I LOVE YOU ALL, FRIENDS.

Left`alone
3/02/2006 03:40:00 PM™

01 March 2006

So many things are running through my mind right now. I have no idea where I am heading currently. It's like; WTF. My life is being messed up totally by me.

All these months, I had somehow sorted my life out and gotten everything back into pieces. I can feel who my friends are, do what I feel like doing without considering much, think as little as possible, say whatever I want to say in my blog, go wherever i want to, and many many more. I am no longer lost; or maybe feeling lost.

But now, it is a total 360degrees change.

Im back with him. And the process of it is kind of hurting and confusing; for all of us. I follow what my heart says, but I realised that not all that my heart says will turn out to be fine or even great.

Once again, Im confused.

Read my previous post; the one with the most 'fucking' word. I went to read all my entries, from the beginning till now, before I start this entry. If you do read all of them as well, you will know that I really detest that kind of treatment. And you will also come to know that that isn't the first time. It's like, 'why can't he freaking change for the sake of me?' He knew that I hate it. But he still continue with it. Somemore I am so sick that day. Did u know that the headache is so terrible that I cried?

From the first day we are back together till now, I always have this weird feeling. No, i don't know what it is. Inexplicable.

Maybe what i need is assurance. I am too confused. It's like a small little boat floating in the middle of a big big ocean, having no idea where to head in order to dock at a safe port. I see no shore. Guide me please, someone. I am afraid of making decisions regarding such matter now. I hesitate. I will. Reason for this? There will always be someone getting hurt due to my decision, and I really really don't wanna hurt anyone anymore. I rather me, myself to get the ultimate pain.

I am afraid. Seriously scared. This isn't me, this isn't my way of doing things.

I need someone to tell me that what I do is the best way that it could be done.

I am lost.

I just wish that things can remain as what they are in the past.

The feeling of being loved and cared seem to be missing in some way or another.

Can you show me your love and care? Can you make me feel so? Can you??

This is what i need the most now.

I am having sorethroat and headache. NOW.

And I can't really feel any care and concern.

Please, don't regret when you lose it. Treasure it when it's in your hand.

Most probably, I will follow my heart still.

It is unpredictable.

Damn unpredictable.

Even I don't know what will happen next.

What i want is something simple, but why it turns out to be so complicated?

Left`alone
3/01/2006 01:42:00 AM™